Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Coming out of the Closet

Watched Milk (oscar nominated movie) yesterday. Such a beautiful movie, and an inspirational one too. Yes, I have been inspired by it a lot, and the flow of emotions in me are currently running so high that I have finally decided to come out through this blog, lest I again revert back to my shell. Yes, you read it right. Come Out.

I had been deliberating over this matter for a long time. Each time I watch such a movie or go through some one's coming out experience, I feel like breaking the veil myself. But, its never easy to come out and say, "I'm Gay". But I partially broke this veil a year ago, when I came out to one of my best friend. That was also after much thought, and when I could no longer bear the fact that he "didn't know me completely". I always thought what if he says "Dont talk to me again!". But, I mustered enough courage to break the news to him. Though quite shocked ( and I had to explain him a lot), he finally said- "It doesn't matter to me what your sexuality is. You are still the same friend to me." That gave me some courage and then I came out to my second best friend in Dec 08. He too has been quite supportive. But still, I had asked them not to tell it to anyone and so, I am almost suffering from the same plight.

I never had the courage to tell them in school, and I broke the news to them through chat, since it's simpler to do so as you won't have to see the reaction. And it is the same reason that I am coming out through this blog to the 2 followers of this blog. Now, let me just point out a few points why coming out is so difficult:

1) First of all, while growing up, its always confusing not to share the same feelings as others. You can't talk to others, cause you don't know why or what is happening. Once you realise the fact that you are gay, you realise that it is not something that would be accepted.

2) The worst fear is that of being ostracized. You suddenly become untouchables for many homophobics or ignorant people. You would be the butt of each joke, looked down upon, teased and discriminated against. And for what?

3) Coming out to the family is the most difficult. More so, cause in India, it is the duty of the son to carry the family blood ahead. Each mother wants to have her grandchildren. How are you to shatter the dreams of someone you love so dearly? And then, given the generation gap, you are never sure if your parents would be able to accept it and not force you to go against your will. This probably could explain why in India, there have been cases of lesbian girls eloping, but never any case of gays. I accept, men are coward not to be able to break free of these social bondages.

I know, if this news spreads in the campus, probably my life would become a living hell. Each of my action would be scrutinised and misconstrued, but I can't take it any more. It kills me each day to be someone I am not. I don't know how I would be facing others, but I know I must. Thanks to Harvey Milk to give me enough courage. Thanks to the speech of the director of Milk in the Oscars. I am finally out to at least two more people (with the potential of this news sprading faster than wild fire). For the homophobics, I just have one question- Don't you have left handed persons in the society, though majority of us are right handed. If you could accept them, why not Gays? Heterosexuality is not normal, its just common.

P.S.- If u would no longer like to talk to me and sever all your ties, you can directly tell me on my face. I would appreciate it and respect your wish.


Smart Primate said...

Well, it does not really bother me either. I am comfortable with.
And why did you think I would "sever" ties with you? You are still the same person for me.

But, I must say this is quite a revelation. Chhupe Rustam nikla tu...

P.S. I too give my word not to go blabbering about it everywhere.

Sukhi said...

Thanx sid....its great to know that i have such good friends..

Well, I kind of expected such an answer from your side...that sever ties line is for those who mite read this post....every one is not so open minded... A large part of this society is still homo phobic..

And yeah..didnt understand- Chhupe Rustam nikla tu- how would you or anyone have known?

Devdeep said...

It never really matters what your orientation is. There are so many more important things to do. Like the fact that you have been one of my best pals here at college. Everything else is trivial.


Wierdo said...

Why the hell would i like to sever ties with you??
I dont give a damn whats your orientation is....

You are as good a friend as before and will remain one thereafter too.....

There are many more important things in life....

PS: I really admire the courage that you accepted it.

Hadi Hussain said...

I know how it feels to be a closeted case and what kind of emancipation the coming out gives you. I really appreciate the way you have expressed yourself. Milk has also been a personal favourite and just a quick check where you have mentioned “Thanks to the speech of the director of Milk in the Oscars.” He wasn’t the director but the writer of the movie Dustin Lance Black who delivered a really commendable Oscar accepting speech. I still remember what kind of affect it had on me as I was watching it live. I had tears and I was so much emotional that I can’t write it down. I got his recorded, thanx to the repeat telecast.

Sukhi said...

@Hadi yes...while writing this post down i was too overwhelmed to actually care how he was associated with Milk...I also have his part of the Oscar Speech saved :D

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